Saturday, April 28, 2007

Empty house, empty room

My house is empty. Everyone's gone. My room is almost empty too. Feel so empty and lonely.
Feel really depressed. This room contains so much memories, but most of them must be disposed asap now. So i'm not gonna take photo of this room. Don't wanna remember.

I realized that most of my "true" friends who stayed with me through thick and thin, are mostly friends that I made during my 1st 2 yrs in UTM (and of course 95 % not my coursemates). The feeling came so strong when I had lunch with WT; i had barely talked to him in the past 3 yrs, but tat day, from the moment that we sat down in Atap house, we talked non-stop for the next 2.5 hrs. I didnt feel any distance between us, though we havent spoke for a long time.

I used to feel proud of my coursemates, thought I will be able to end the curse; seniors all told me that true friends come from activities, not among coursemates. I thought I could break this norm. But ended up getting burnt in the process of trying. WT is right. Coursemates are too nearby to you. And when coursemates gather, they dont have much constructive issues to discuss about, except of football, DOTA and gossips. (these 3 topics are seldom included in my conversations with my activity friends). He never fancied the idea of living among coursemates. But i told him my biggest mistake was to let/"force" my bf to know and live among my coursemates. (next time gonna keep my bf 1km away from my colleagues... muahaha)

But of course I still managed to find a few worthy friends among coursemates. I'm still grateful.


Hi. Welcome to my blog. Initially I decided to put up a letter for CHS's fan club members; and at the same time I would also start to promote this blog publicly. But I decided not to put up that post. I've showed that post to a few friends and they've given me their feedback.

I guess they're right. It's been too long. Making explanations now would be too late to alter other's perception on the issue. It would not make much of a difference. And by revealing all these information, I will only create more reasons for people to gossip more.

I spent a whole morning writing that post. Cried all the way while I was writing. Can't help but cry when I slowly recount all the past that I had with him. But what has happened has happened. I'll just have to slowly clear off all these memories, and fill the void with details of my new life.

So for now. I'll still keep this blog as a private blog, reserve this little space of mine so that I can express myself and share my thoughts with my close friends as well as passer-bys.

Friday, April 27, 2007

Grand Opening - "Point of No Return"

The grand opening for my new blog - Point of No Return

Date: 28 April 2007

The grand opening is supposed to be celebrated with the release of a very important blog post.

But now I still cant make up my mind whether to post it or not.
Some say that I should clarify and fight back, some say that I shouldnt, and some say that it wont make much of a difference.

I've been wanting to write and post that blog for the whole semester. I've waited for so long. But perhaps now everything is meaningless. It's already too late. People have already judged me using whatever information that they received 1st. But at least the process of writing that blog made me feel much better.

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Law of Attraction - End of "Selfishness"

Ok ok. Happened to see "the Secret" - the book in MPH. God must be reminding me that the Law of Attraction is working. So gotta stop talking about selfishness, before i attract such "things" near me. Haha. Anyway I think I've expressed myself. These thought have been in my mind for quite long. (cant help, things keep happening). So now that I've penned them down, can discard them from my head already.

Now busy with packing up. I really have too much of belongings. Up till now, I already packed 5 Double A boxes, 3 big cartons, and 4 bags. Pretty much huh. And I'm still packing... Don know where to stuff all these things when I get home.

Btw, PAP interview is over, yay!! Now i'm really free from any student's obligation... muahaha...

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Selfishness Part III

Seems to be an interesting to talk about. Actually such issue has been around for quite some time. Like I said in the earlier post, in a time of changes (we're graduating), people tend to protect themselves. For example, a friend of mine seemed to be telling others that he doesnt know what to do after graduation; but long time ago, he secretly told me that he already has a good opportunity awaiting him. Now. some people may think that it's indecent to lie. But I find myself quite comfortable with his small white lie and I'll describe to you, why sometimes such white lie is necessary to maintain "world peace" for the now and here.

Ok. There have been several incidents which has really made me ponder whether being truthful and sharing with others is really beneficia to mel.

Case 1:
We started with kind hearts, sharing news with friends around us about our job hunting process, including the companies details and interview experiences. Everything was ok until someone started to bad mouth at our back, saying that we are job application machines; that we should settle with the offer that we already get, stop hunting for other opportunities as this may jeopardize others' (maybe that loser himself) chance of getting a job.

Haha. Fine.
I don't see how I would jeopoardize your chance if you yourself are good enough.
I believe in the theory of abundance.
And I just don't see why I cant continue my search for a better deal.

Case 2:
So we learnt. Seeing that by being generous only makes others feel annoyed; and of course their reaction also annoyed us. So we learnt not to reveal things to them until we're certain of where we're going to work. Anyway we've got a real good deal, when a kind friend has generously shared his information with us. But he asked us not to reveal it to too many people. Ok. That's understandable. His generosity for us does not necessarily apply to others.

Everything went on ok. Until this kind friend got another better offer and he decided to hop. So he figured that its harmless to share the old news with others. And so he did. And guess wat? Now people think that we are the ones who are selfish and unwilling to share. o.O"

So now.... share or not share?

Case 3: (this is where the starter story applies)
This is about another "we". So, we got offered a job by a good company. We figure that its a good thing and we encouraged others to apply. But turns out that some of your "friends" around you, instead of feeling happy for you, they actually feel bad about it. Maybe they think that you've taken away his opportunity, or maybe they think they're better than you.... (millions of reasons/excuses on the list). They start to show you cold faces, talking to you sarcastically....

Now. Sometimes we'll get caught in such dilemma of share or not share. I seriously don't mind sharing, as long as those audiences of mine don't respond to me with jealousy/coldness (nobody likes that). But of course, we cant control how others think and talk about us. I had a hard time thinking, trying to strike a balance in my mind in dealing with such situation.

So my conclusions are: (which I constantly remind myself to keep to)
I'll share with those whom I believe would appreciate my effort rather than being jealous.
I wont lie/hide when i'm being asked; at the same time, I wont automatically offer those details unless being asked.

Though sometimes i really feel like going evil. (you know, nowadays everybody seems to think that I'm a nice target to agitate/bully). But i'm still trying my best to remain sane. For those who are graduating, good luck and all the best in your job hunting. Just hope that my stories would enlighten you of how "realistic" the world is.

For world peace.

Brain Storm - New vs Old Management Style

Hmm. Seems like my previous 3 posts have been quite negative. Time to get rid of it and inject some positivity into my life and blog.

Very very happy that a close friend of mine has just got a job offer from Shell. Congrats my dear =) So glad that we'll be working in the same company, and one day we can go to Tango class together =)

Oh ya. Everyone please check out the new online TV service at . I tried out this morning, and its so nice to be able to watch 东方卫视 for free =) and i was quite lucky. At that time, they were airing a talk show called "Brain Storm", and the topic for the session is about the management style of the "after 80s" (meaning those born in 80s, that's us). Debate was participated by 3 parties: the "after 80s" bosses/CEOs, the "before 80s" bosses/CEOs (uncles), and the "after 80s" workers.

Point of views voiced out by these 3 parties:

1. "after 80s" bosses

Boss A:
Never do bad things. (which an "uncle" boss commented as kindergarden teacher teaching kids)
Keep things simple.

Boss B:
Round table evaluation/communication.
Uncle asked whether she adopted this strategy from somewhere.
she said that she's trying to build up/establish continuity from her HQ culture. (文化传承)
Then uncle shoot her: you only stayed in HQ for one month and you're spreading their "culture"? So you'll be able to spread Japanese culture after living there for one month?
Young lady boss got speechless.

Boss C:
Open communication. By this he meant that he allows his staffs to send him anonymous e-mails to complain/criticize him or anything.
One of the worker representative asked him: would this affect your influence/credibility as the boss?
He replied: no. i'm the one paying them salary. that's the basis of influence.
Uncle commented: good. you got the right kinda "boss" attitude.

Boss D:
There are 4 stages of industrial management.
1st stage: passion. refering to starting up a new business, when you have minimal number of workers, everyone needs to be very fired up. (uncle commented that the fire cant burn for long, while another uncle said that the main point is to keep the fire steady and long).
2nd stage: control (管)
3rd stage: manage (理)
4th stage: self-manageable, meaning that the team is mature enough to move by its own. (无管理, 靠团队)

2. "after 80s" workers

These are some of the observations/feedbacks provided by these young workers regarding their experience of working under young bosses.

Their (here means the young bosses) minds are very active. Today got an idea. Tomorrow got another new idea. everyday change. makes it real hard for the staffs to keep up.

They are impulsive (冲动), but it comes along with confidence.

3. "Before 80s" bosses:

These young bosses ought to be more careful with their promises, especially when they're promising to their staffs. They tend to over-promise, and end up unable to deliver.

The things that they said are not solid enough (for example, their answers when an audience asked them about their business's direction for the next 5 years) . They like to say empty statements such as "I want our company to be the biggest ............. in China" in dont know how many more years to come, with no specific direction/planning or measurable targets.

-End of recap-

The show was only an hour. Very compacted one, full of debates and cross-bombing. This is all the points that i can remember (I watched this prog 12 hours ago). I find them quite interesting, and definitely worth my time to write them down. Hope you guys find it interesting too.

Selfishness Part II

This morning as I happened to drop by one my housemate's blog, I saw that he has posted a blog complaining about how others have been acting selfishly around him. Of course what he depicted in his blog is true. We can't help but having people around us who would choose to protect their own benefit FIRST. And we cant really do much to these kinda people, except of we ourselves not becoming like one of them.

BUT... if you read his blog, he seemed to be complaining/blaming that these selfish people has resulted in him losing out some opportunities/information. And he's indicating that the RIGHT way of the community to deal with such people would be to boycott them.

Now. Firstly, of course everything would sound sensible, IF this man is one that is generous and accountable. Maybe he would feel fed up or pissed off when he has helping people but others repaid him with their selfishness. But did you realize that generous and accountable men such as Eljay and Daniel just wont complain over such issues? Truth is, this guy may be "generous" or overly generous in offering "advices" when it comes to non-academical issues (especially relationship), or he's sooo generous in sharing information that old audiences like me just dunno how many percent i can believe in. But when it comes to "solid" work accountability, i'm sorry to say that he has proven himself to be incompetent over this 5 years.

And now he's complaining that people hide information from him. I would not detest people who does so (like i said, its a realistic world), especially to him. If you want a share of others' generosity/respect, you gotta earn for it. Like me now. Many of those out there may think differently/badly about me. I cant complain cause I "earned" it myself.

So in this 5 years, how much good/contribution/use have you been to others? Group assignment especially? How many times have you been a passenger?? You're taking others for granted. So expect yourself to be taken for granted by others. Please keep your mouth shut, use your hand to prove your credibility instead of being a busy-body and continue to publicize on others' personal life.

It is inevitable that during this period of transition, when everyone is trying to sort out their future path, work/study, people may tend to reserve certain news to themselves. It's really normal, although this does not mean that we all should do so. Well. You can continue to complain there, but the world just wont change for you, and to me that is just like a 5 yrs old kid crying in the middle of the road begging for attention. (which adults will usually respond by smirking).

I myself believe in sharing and giving value to others. (note here, value, not some useless junk information). And all my close and important friends around me share the same belief. Those who don't believe in this just wont come into my inner circle. Important point is, if you wanna add value to others, you must be of value yourself. Do well in your job (eg studies) and build up your own credibility. Though now some people may think that i'm an absolute failure in handling relationship issues, but nobody can say that I'm a lousy student/worker.

So, no point complaining about how others have been selfish to you. Whether you're generous or not, accountable or not. Accountable men will become the source of information instead of waiting to be fed by others. If someone has been trying to act selfish, wish them all the best, and I see no harm of us finding another way out ourselves. But of course the best is, we ourselves must be generous in sharing before we expect others to share with us.

Monday, April 23, 2007


不知不觉的, 事情已经过了半年了. 时间过得真是快.
半年之内, 我的生活完全面目全非. 我的学生生涯也正式结束了.
不过, 时间确实是能冲淡一切的.
现在回想起来, 已经不会再激动, 不会再掉眼泪了.
所有的事情, 我都已经可以平静的看待, 并且原谅他们俩那时候激动之下所做出的事情.
(不过他们是不是能原谅我, 我就不知道了.)
不过当然, 至今我还是无法原谅那些事不关己, 却总爱在事情里插上一脚; 事情平息后却惟恐天下不乱的人.
说真的, 我只在乎我在乎的人怎么想. 这些小人, 总有一天他们会自食其果的.

现在我真的很相信, 上帝早已安排一切. 而每一件事情的发生也总有它的理由.
所以要学会接受... 并且为上帝所赐给我们的感恩...

至少我现在胃口大好, 半年没生病了... 所以是好事吧 =)

Sunday, April 22, 2007


今晚, 真的可以说是自取其辱.
就算剩下的这几天都得一个人过, 总好过让自己难堪...


是我太小气吗?? 还是因为我从来都有选择, 从来就不需要勉强自己...
无论如何, 曾经答应过自己, 剩下的几天一定要过的有尊严...
怎样都要撑下去... 给自己一个交代...

Extraordinary Wedding Photos

Quite free now =P So gonna share these superb wedding photos that I came across in this few days. A friend of mine is getting married soon and she posted up some photos that she found from the web, and these photos really made my jaw drop =)

Mind you, these are all real sceneries. It's a new concept of wedding photo shooting. It's a sightseeing tour cum photo shooting. This picture below is taken at Jiu Zhai Gou (九寨沟). This is where 神雕侠侣 was filmed.

This one here (below) is taken at Li Jiang (丽江). Li Jiang is a tourist spot which has been recognized by UN as a world heritage.

Saturday, April 21, 2007

It's over - my degree life has ended

Finally it's over. My degree life officially ended at 11.30am when my Coastal paper is over. Erm. Didnt really feel as excited as I thought I would. In fact I feel kinda lost cause I have nothing particular to do in the coming week, except of packing up and some farewell dinner/supper with a few of my beloved friends.

I don't really feel bad about ending my student's life. Maybe what has happened in this sem made me realize that, true friends will always be with you no matter how far we're parted. As for those unworthy ones, they just don't mean a thing to you even though they're staying with me under the same roof. At least once I move back to home, I no longer need to live with those who thinks that I'm unworthy. And I think God has been really kind to me, for He has placed all those who are worthy to me to be close to me when I start working. (and coincidentally all those that I do not wish to see to be faraway from me. haha. except for one. but I'm still grateful.)

Honestly saying, sometimes I really feel that God has planned everything well for me. If not because of this "tragedy", I would still remain as the arrogant, fiery me, which I think in no way Shell is gonna employ me. And I've certainly learnt a lot throughout this sem which I think has helped me to get ready for working life. And I'm very glad that amidst all the pressure and negativity around me, I still scored quite well for my coursework marks and I think I did a fairly acceptable job for my thesis. (compared to those who preferred to spend their precious time to spread negativity and disrupt world peace. muahaha.) And God has also helped me to filter out people who are just not worth my time to keep.

Feel so relief now. At least now I can write/say anything that I wish to say without having to put up any mask. So now, upcoming plans for this one last week in Skudai:

1. Eat durian with Eljay
2. Eat chicken wings with Mildred (why all seems to be eating??)
3. Dinner/supper with Chin Wee and Wan Tak
4. Hmm... oh ya... have tea with Boon Fei and check out his wedding photos =)
5. Visit Chun Ren and his lovely Aleydis =)
6. Pack up and go home!!!

Thursday, April 19, 2007

Offshore - Over

Argh. There goes my hope for 4 flat. Did pretty bad for the Offshore paper. But I don't really feel that bad actually =P maybe i just cant wait for the end.

2moro - hand in thesis + Econs paper

Koon Wee and Shi Hang are in town again! Hopefully will be able to meet up with them this saturday...

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

24 hrs more to the start of the end

Exactly 24 hrs from now, it'll be the start of my last final exam. I hv only studied a mere 10% for this subject. But i'm really losing the momentum. It's gonna be hectic all the way for the next 3 days. Just thinking about it already makes me feel tensed. Really gotta clear off all those useless thoughts from my head now and focus on studying. I'm still hoping to score 4 flat, this one last chance.

p/s: Damn. I'm 2nd best to Eljay again for the Econs carry marks.

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Good Day

Today seems to be a rather productive day. I've managed to make good progress for my Econs revision, seeing that I only have one day to actually study this subject. Today is a good day too for my naps, I managed to get quality sleeps in 2 sessions of 30 mins nap. Good sleep really made my mood lift =)

Happy to hear that our Econs group project and Test 2 achieved good marks. Happy to find out that my Coastal carry marks is the 2nd highest (damn. always 2nd best to Eljay.) Happy to pick up my freshly bound thesis from Lily, until now everything seems to be alright.

Overall today is a good day. Except that my tummy is starting to feel hungry again. Grrr.

Anyway I sort of made some decisions today. I'll wait until the end of April. If till then nothing happens, I'll delete all the related people from my friendster list, change my profile to a restricted one, bar any possible means of letting him to peek on my life. Hehe.

Then it'll be a REAL start of new life.

End of Student Life

3 more papers to the end.
4 more days as a student.
5pm i'll go to Lily and pick up my bound thesis.

Important dates:
21 April - last paper - Coastal Engineering
30 April - officially move back to home
3 May - L'oreal Brandstorm Final
14-17 May - Bali trip
27 May - Boon Fei's wedding luncheon
?? June - Start working in Shell

Saturday, April 14, 2007

M.Sc in Offshore Engineering @ TU Delft

Ever since I lost my dreams 6 months ago, finally I found something wonderful as a new entry for my dream list. Today I spent some unproductive time to surf around the net for a post-grad program that focuses on offshore engineering. Seems like not many unis around the world are offering such program, but at last I found a perfect package offered by Delft University of Technology. This 2 years program is packed with basics of offshore engineering, and it also offers majoring in deepwater and subsea engineering. Browsing through the course brochure really made me feel excited.

So now I'll just have to discuss with my capability development manager once i'm onboarded about this plan of mine to further study in Delft. And another big issue will be $$$. But it feels so good to have something to daydream about =)

Friday, April 13, 2007

My Wishes

8 more days to graduation. My nerves are getting really really short nowadays, and emotional outbreaks seemed to be at the tip of my fingers. This whole semester has been a real test for me, and I just cant wait to move out of this bloody house and go back to my home sweet home. All this while I've been acting mute and deaf, enduring every single bit of annoyance and humiliation that has been put onto me by those idiots who think that they know a lot. God bless them. My limit has been pushed to a new height over and over again, but yet these people never get satisfied and they continued to find chances to spark new fire.

I'm sick and tired of hiding myself behind a mask. I dont really care who's reading what i write here. But at least i need a space for myself.

I wish that people have less opinion on what i think and do. perhaps what i need is just a listener. if i didnt ask for advice, please refrain yourself from giving one. You may think that I'm so inconsistent or what not, but if you wanted me to listen to your advice, did it ever cross your mind that somebody else would have wanted me to listen to him/her which is a totally contradicting opinion? So who should i listen to? If you're telling me to listen to my heart, then please swallow all your so-called "advice" into your own stomach. and most of all, we're all human beings, we're not God or Saint. So stop judging people with your own set of standard cause you're just not God. Maybe I used to be like that too, but now i've learnt. As long as what you're doing does not affect me, I would not bother to give grades for what you do.

I wish people can stop telling me to let go. If you dont get the point, I'm holding on because its my CHOICE. those people who are saying that they "cant" let go are liars. Letting go or not is a matter of choice. don't ask me why I wanna hold on to the past. I just WANT to, ok? if you dont like to hear me whine, tell me in my face. I'll be smart and find some other channels to express myself. And again dont try to judge anything, cause you're not me nor him. You dont understand what we've been through all these years. You dont understand a damn about what happened as well. and you certainly dont undertstand how i'm feeling. every story is different than the others. dont try to judge using what you know or been through. (worst thing is, you've never been through a relationship and yet you try to judge people using your own imagination).

I wish that I can be given a chance to pour out everything that's in my mind, and I wish I could be given a chance to hear what's in his mind. if what he wants is to never see my face or hear my name again, so will be it. I just dont like things to be dragged on without conclusion. And i wish that if a clear ending is what he wants, then end it for good. Dont say that you wanna end bla bla bla, and yet check out on my friendster list every now and then, and make it a point that new entries in my friend list become new entries in your list also. Be consistent. That's what we all should learn. If you cant let go as well, then face the problem and find a way out. I'm sick of playing hide and seek, and i'm certainly sick of involving outsiders who are just having fun watching the drama. Don't you get it? They dont really care a damn whether you and I are happy or not. To them all these are just some hot topics after meals. And you must accept the fact that we have no one to blame but ourselves. For everything that has happened.

Honestly saying, i'm quite ok now with all the negativity around me. Like i said, nobody to blame but myself. But the only thing that I needed time to learn is, the fact that these people around me are so hazardous. Like Ting Yun said, its scary to have such people living around you. But what to do? But at least I learnt not to become like one of them. at least i would learn to be a worthy friend if my friend is in such trouble. And i would take care of my mouth and know not to hurt my friend by becoming part of the gossiping.

really learnt a lot. now a real end, no matter what kinda ending it is, is what i'm hoping for.