Friday, April 13, 2007

My Wishes

8 more days to graduation. My nerves are getting really really short nowadays, and emotional outbreaks seemed to be at the tip of my fingers. This whole semester has been a real test for me, and I just cant wait to move out of this bloody house and go back to my home sweet home. All this while I've been acting mute and deaf, enduring every single bit of annoyance and humiliation that has been put onto me by those idiots who think that they know a lot. God bless them. My limit has been pushed to a new height over and over again, but yet these people never get satisfied and they continued to find chances to spark new fire.

I'm sick and tired of hiding myself behind a mask. I dont really care who's reading what i write here. But at least i need a space for myself.

I wish that people have less opinion on what i think and do. perhaps what i need is just a listener. if i didnt ask for advice, please refrain yourself from giving one. You may think that I'm so inconsistent or what not, but if you wanted me to listen to your advice, did it ever cross your mind that somebody else would have wanted me to listen to him/her which is a totally contradicting opinion? So who should i listen to? If you're telling me to listen to my heart, then please swallow all your so-called "advice" into your own stomach. and most of all, we're all human beings, we're not God or Saint. So stop judging people with your own set of standard cause you're just not God. Maybe I used to be like that too, but now i've learnt. As long as what you're doing does not affect me, I would not bother to give grades for what you do.

I wish people can stop telling me to let go. If you dont get the point, I'm holding on because its my CHOICE. those people who are saying that they "cant" let go are liars. Letting go or not is a matter of choice. don't ask me why I wanna hold on to the past. I just WANT to, ok? if you dont like to hear me whine, tell me in my face. I'll be smart and find some other channels to express myself. And again dont try to judge anything, cause you're not me nor him. You dont understand what we've been through all these years. You dont understand a damn about what happened as well. and you certainly dont undertstand how i'm feeling. every story is different than the others. dont try to judge using what you know or been through. (worst thing is, you've never been through a relationship and yet you try to judge people using your own imagination).

I wish that I can be given a chance to pour out everything that's in my mind, and I wish I could be given a chance to hear what's in his mind. if what he wants is to never see my face or hear my name again, so will be it. I just dont like things to be dragged on without conclusion. And i wish that if a clear ending is what he wants, then end it for good. Dont say that you wanna end bla bla bla, and yet check out on my friendster list every now and then, and make it a point that new entries in my friend list become new entries in your list also. Be consistent. That's what we all should learn. If you cant let go as well, then face the problem and find a way out. I'm sick of playing hide and seek, and i'm certainly sick of involving outsiders who are just having fun watching the drama. Don't you get it? They dont really care a damn whether you and I are happy or not. To them all these are just some hot topics after meals. And you must accept the fact that we have no one to blame but ourselves. For everything that has happened.

Honestly saying, i'm quite ok now with all the negativity around me. Like i said, nobody to blame but myself. But the only thing that I needed time to learn is, the fact that these people around me are so hazardous. Like Ting Yun said, its scary to have such people living around you. But what to do? But at least I learnt not to become like one of them. at least i would learn to be a worthy friend if my friend is in such trouble. And i would take care of my mouth and know not to hurt my friend by becoming part of the gossiping.

really learnt a lot. now a real end, no matter what kinda ending it is, is what i'm hoping for.

No comments: